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CHEMISTS JOKE

Valence is the ability to attach what you have, but what you really want.

Salt plus baking soda, plus tincture of iodine, plus boric acid equals the mineral water!
This recipe most "mineral waters", which are sold in stores.

The author of the third law of thermodynamics Walter Nernst leisure hours, diluted Karpov. Someone once sagely remarked:
- A strange choice. Chickens to breed and something more interesting.
Nernst calmly replied:
- I breed these animals, which are in thermodynamic equilibrium with the environment. Dilute warm-blooded means to heat their money world space.

A famous German chemist Emil Fischer was walking through the Park. He was approached by a not very well known writer Suderman and not without malice said:
- I am happy to personally thank you for what you have invented a wonderful hypnotic drug. A very effective tool. And I don't even have to use it. It is enough that he is lying on my night stand.
- An amazing coincidence, " replied the chemist. "And when I fell hard to fall asleep, I turn to one of your novels. And they are all excellent: they don't even need to read, enough so that they lay on the night table.

Small chemical etymological dictionary
Halogen - bearer of French ancestry.
Hydrolysis - drinking only water.
Starch is a small nuisance.
Bastard - sediment (XVIII century); dissolute scoundrel -- dissolved the precipitate.
Polymer - measuring farmland.
X - gene rented.
Samarium - Opera soloist.
Toxin - poisoned stranger.
Chlorophyll is fascinated by the chemistry of chlorine.
Extract - long deserted road.
The extractor is charged to agricultural machines.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
The last words of chemist: "Why is there no label on this bottle?"

Lise Meitner was the third child, Maria Curie - sixth, Ivan Alekseevich Heels - eighth, Dmitry Ivanovich Mendeleev - seventeenth. No matter how outstanding chemist would, say, twenty-second child!

On the exam academician Ivan Alekseevich Heels asks the student to tell how labs get hydrogen. "Mercury," says he. "As is "mercury"?! We usually say "zinc", but mercury is something original. Write me a response." The student writes:
Hg = H + g
And says: "Mercury is heated; it is decomposed into N and g. H - hydrogen, it is lightweight and therefore flies, and g is the acceleration of gravity, heavy, remains". "For such a reply should be put "five", says Heels. "Let the record book. Only "five" at first I, too, will warm up. Three flies, and "two" stays".

For many years the workshop on organic chemistry at MSU knew Yuri Konstantinovich St. George - strict disciplinarian, whose students were very afraid. One of them had just prepared everything for conducting the synthesis, you just need to open the tap to let the water in the fridge. But it seems to have too much a pipe broke and it flowed like water. And here, as a sin, is Yuri Konstantinovich. Poor student with fright instead of off the tap, put his pipe in his mouth and began frantically to swallow water.

A. P. Borodin his main profession was considered chemistry, but, as a composer, he left in the cultural history of most trace. Borodin-composer had a habit of writing notes of their musical works with a pencil. But pencil writing short-lived. To save them, Borodin-chemist covered the manuscript of a solution of gelatin or egg white. Chemistry helped the music!

In the research Institute for fertilizers and infectionmild (NIUIF) worked in its time someone USKO. He wrote the complaint was made, and on the top, incredible deals. The Institute has a lot of issues for commercial production of phosphate fertilizers, which are produced, as is known from rock phosphate or Apatite. USKO suggested that the "brilliant" decision not to produce phosphate fertilizer factories and incorporated into the soil directly mined phosphate rock and then to irrigate sulfate acid!

Lectures on military science Colonel tells about the composition of the solution for the decontamination of military equipment, including anti-corrosion additive, monoethanolamine. At the end of the lecture, the Colonel offers to ask questions. One student, pretending to be a simpleton, asks:
"Comrade Colonel, what is monoethanolamine?
- Mono, di, three - one, two, three. Is methane, ETANA, propane. But what is Lamin, hard to say.

Only chemist:
- can directly ask the chef: "What degree of cultivation soup today?";
- finds in the words of the song "I am the clouds will shrug its own;
- sees a Golden brown crust on the pie as the process of caramelization of carbohydrates;
calmly drinking kefir and not drunk, because chromatographic methods of alcohol in kefir is not detected;
every time make sure that the free radicals in politics also have a negative effect on the human body, as in chemistry;
- knows-Smoking whether recombination of these radicals on the back in politics;
- knows, what does the phrase, "suppose there is a pair of radicals, which occurs as a result of photolysis, radiolysis, or just in the meetings";
not looking for heavy water in the kettle;
- heck came up with the phrase "with all the ensuing consequences";
- dreams of disintegration and decay in the society of the samples.

When translated from Ukrainian to English phrase "travelena silicon" (etching of silicon) the translator gave the digestion of silicon.

To learn salted whether soup, simply omit it two electrodes, and let them talk. If you see the smell of chlorine means the soup is already salted.

Surrender candidate in physical chemistry.
Professor:
- I will try to ask you a question easier... What a neutral pH?
Student:
- 5.5!
Dumb...
(This is from the series: what does watching TV, particularly advertising).

One thousandth of a mole is known to millimoles. Went on:
10-6 mol - micromoles;
10-9 mol - nanomoles;
10-12 mol - picomol;
10-15 mol - femtomole;
10-18 mol - attomole;
10-21 mol - zeptomole;
10-24 mol - guacomole.
Stop, stop... Because 1 guacomole is 0.6 molecules... no Farther.

Not all gold that does not respond.

In 50-ies of the lectures in higher mathematics to the students of the chemistry Department of Moscow state University read Professor of mechanics and mathematics faculty of Tumarkin. The lecturer clearly and measured expounded the subject, walking in the pulpit along the boards. Suddenly the front wall of the chair somehow fell out and flat, with loud, dry cotton, fell to the floor. The reaction of the lecturer was completely unexpected: he stood, lifting her leg began inquiring look at the audience.
It turned out that a few years ago students-chemists over it was fun, rassimov along the boards with a damp iodide of nitrogen, which, wishnow, a loud popping sound explodes from the slightest touch.

The Professor explains the current younger generation of chemists the difference between ionic and covalent bond: ionic bond is the highest degree of individualism, and the covalent bond is when privatized electrons become itinerant.

Once the Professor of Moscow state University Andrey Vladimirovich frost offered to make quarterly work plan his lab for the next year. Frost submitted superiors such a plan:

The first quarter is close to the first law of thermodynamics.
The second quarter to close the second law of thermodynamics.
The third quarter to close the third law of thermodynamics.
The fourth quarter to open the fourth law of thermodynamics.

More to it with this nonsense did not stick.

In many laboratories did not exist before fixtures that protect from explosion. Nor in the laboratory of Charles Adolf vyurts (1817-1884) in the Medical school in Paris. Somehow one of my friends vyurts met him, walking with concern on the square in front of the laboratory. On the question of what he is doing here, Wurz said:
- I expect of the experience.

Professor of Moscow University, A. C. Rakovsky examines student. All well and good, but one question that is not answered.
- 'll have to put you four, " said the Professor.
- Well, thank you, Adam V., I'm only one question not answered! - conicit student.
Rakovsky objects:
- But if you, young man, get in the tram, and you have only 7 cents, conductors will give you a ticket for 8?
"Well of course, if she's not being an asshole, you will give.
- Yes? Okay! Bet you five for resourcefulness.

One chemist wanted to become a member of the Academy of Sciences. His merits by the time the elections were still quite modest. But the father of our hero was a very influential person and had friends among academics. Moreover, the candidate himself has established itself as a major cash bigwigs, by the authorities. Therefore, the authorities in the election to the Academy provided an additional (so to speak, target), and, as almost always happens in such cases, the majority vote was achieved. It was in 1768 in France, and was elected to the Academy of Antoine Laurent Lavoisier.

A famous German chemist Adolf Bayer, reading a lecture on the starch, reached the question of its hydrolysis by the action of enzymes.
- This enzyme in the saliva, " said the Professor. If a few minutes to chew rice porridge, it is possible to detect the glucose, which is formed by the hydrolysis of starch. Now you will be able to see. Our technician Mr. Bernard, I think, will not refuse you be so kind and show us this.
Bayer pulled out from under the table porcelain dish with most of this rice porridge and handed it approached Bernard.
Now Mr. Bernard good live porridge, and then we make sure that it contains glucose.

Guidance for researcher
1. If you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
2. The accumulated experience directly related to the amount prolinnova the destroyed material.
3. Past experience is always correct and should not be distorted by the facts of the present.
4. If there is doubt, replace it with strong conviction.
5. Don't believe in miracles - just rely on them.
6. The work group is vitally important - it allows you to blame someone else.
7. Writing the received data significantly, it shows that you still did something.
8. So whatever happens, there will always be someone who thinks that it was in accordance with his theory.
9. The amount to which, according to the experimental results, something to add, something subtract from it, which multiply and divide to get the correct answer, is called a constant.
10. The probability that the event occurs is inversely proportional to its desirability.
11. Experiments should be reproducible: they should not be always in the same conditions.
12. If the experiment turns out, there should be obviously wrong experience.
13. The experiment is considered successful if I had to drop no more than half of the received data.
14. Striving for accuracy, first draw a curve, then apply the experimental data.
15. If the experiment it is not managed, it can always be used as a negative example.
16. Remember that the execution of any academic job includes six stages:
1) enthusiasm; (2) disillusionment, (3) panic; 4) search for the guilty; 5) punishment of the innocent and 6) praise and honors those who are not involved.

Elementary history
It was not the EU, not in Americium, and perhaps in the Indies. Gathered we Berkelium and Boron on his fermium. Sat Italy. Here is Boron and scandium:" without oxygen to sit, and so sulfur on the soul. Come on RB will skinema". Well, we all are happy - what technetium! One word - Titan thoughts.
And here Berkelium us scandium: "I'm from GA, so, neodymium". And Boron him: "If not one, come two rubidium, and we podmerchant. Berkelium clinging:" I Have one copper astatine, Argentum all over...". And I like the anemone, it ytterbium: "Platinum, " I said, " and that's it!". And Berkelium: "What am I, holmium should of fermium to leave?" With great difficulty palladium. "And who shall escape? - shouts Berkelium. "I just chrome...". Then Boron smerilli rubichi, put yourself under arsenic and ran. And Berkelium radon as thorium. We sit, curium, waiting for Boron. Suddenly we hear:" Aurum, Aurum!". I say," No Bor?". And Berkelium:" No, neon. The we gadolinium, gadolinium, who would it be. Berkelium meanwhile in the corner with Gallium, hand on thallium, something about her Franzi of Sality, old plutonium, and she his neck bismuth. Suddenly we hear again: "Aurum, Aurum!".
We go out, look - runs Boron, followed by neighboring cobalt Argon, and hafnium, hafnium at him. Caught up with it as Boron and vinegar him for arsenic, where our rubichi lay. Our Boron guy iron, not inferior: "Antimony, shouts, lead, praseodymium damn!". And he know his terbium. Here Bor quite lutetium was. Hands waving, yelling: "Who me shirt lanthanum will be?". Look - and our rubichi already have cobalt in mercury. I to him:" Organic, " I said, " tell hafnium, tell me!". And it is only through his teeth cesium: R-R-R...
And here Berkelium stanum on his knees, crawled to the Argon and yelled, "Hafnium!!!". Well, Zirconia - Argon our rubichi swallowed and ran with the fermium. We Bor: "Polonius to place our rubichi". And he: "What am I to you, rhodium them, or what?"
Plumbum at him and we left. So we when sodium thought - no Nickel.

BABY HUMOR

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